Folks,
I've neglected this blog since school got out. I will finish my blog about My Mom, My Hero Part 2 soon.
I am in a dry spot in life right now. There's a lack of passion for things in general right now. I'm much too content right now so I am trying to hear God's word and needing to take out clutter (too many things on the schedule) more. I hope I can get out of this soon through God's help.
I went to NYC on a lark. Not sure if it was worth it but it's amazing that I'd take a trip like that. 28+ hours in a car for 7 hours of walking around a city. (shrug)...I was able to spend a little time while driving really appreciating the world around me and reading my devotional about being more humble and listening more to voices that have God's wisdom...they are both I need to do as well. I'm a little exhausted but ultimately, it became a kind of retreat and something I enjoyed. Maybe this is the kickstart I need...anyways, I hope you all are doing well. I hope to write more soon. Later.
-CP
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
My mom, my hero (Part 1)
(This is long but worth it for me. Happy Mother's Day, Mom.)
Yang Chong-Jin was born in August 1953 in Paltan, Gyeonggido, South Korea (or that's what it says on the Korean register). She was born on a farm 2 weeks after the ceasefire for the Korean War (and 5 days after my dad in the same year). She's the 3rd of 7 children in her family. Life was hard for most Koreans during and right after the war. Her father would buy things from passersby trying to flee to the South for food. These were the only luxuries they would have. Otherwise, the family would wake up around 4 am, work on the farm, harvest rice and tend to the farm animals.
My mother went to school late in life and started school at age 7-8. Living on a poor farm, she had no money to give gifts to her teacher, could barely afford books and was made fun for being poor. She would have to walk 1.5-2 miles to the bus stop, take the bus and get off then walk 2-3 miles to school one way. This was a tough way to go but she and her siblings did this everyday. I thought she was joking until I saw where she went to school a few years ago in Korea. It's not close at all.
She worked hard, gained some skills like cutting hair, and had to take care of her younger brothers and sisters as her older sister had left to go to school out of town (where my mom's family lived was an hour away from the nearest big city - Suwon and 2-3 hours away from Seoul). She helped her mother cook and clean the house (before school too), which was one of those old houses with the sliding doors and wood floors that was heated by coal underneath the house. It wasn't the richest family but they were hard working and close to each other.
My mother left Korea at the age of 21 in 1974. Her older sister married an American serviceman in the late 1960s and settled in Southern Indiana. My aunt and uncle sponsored my mom to come over along with 2 of my other aunts later on in the 1970's. My mom wanted to live the American dream. She wanted to live a life that she had not been able to in Korea. It did not go as planned when she first came over. Her first day in America was Thanksgiving 1974 so she enjoyed a feast but she knew no English beyond "hello" and "thank you". She got her first American experiences - going to a drive-in theater (hiding under a blanket when a couple kissed...makes me laugh), eating out at a restaurant, traveling to DC and New Orleans and even having the local boys ask her out.
Because she started school so late, she was older than most of her classmates in Korea so when she came to the US, she was MUCH older than her classmates. She had to start in the 10th grade so she was pushed back from where she was in Korea. She also spoke no English so when she went to class, she had no clue what was going on. There was no ESOL back then so she had no clue what was going on. Plus she was in a town where she, my aunt, my 2 cousins and a Japanese-American family were the only non-whites in the town. This was not LA or NYC where there might have been other Koreans to help her out. My aunt/her sister was the only who could communicate with her. My two cousins who were from 5 to 9 at the time really tried to help my mom learn English and tutored her as well as nice, well-intentioned kids would. She struggled so badly at school that eventually she dropped out because she was told she was too old to graduate. She had many times where she might cry and my mother is a tough woman but not knowing what's going on with little help beyond her family was bad for her. She started working in factories around the town she was in. She worked long hours and she no longer lived with my aunt. She was supporting herself and eking out a living. My aunt's family (especially my American uncle's mom and dad - God bless Grandma Manila and Grandpa John) really tried to support my mom and make her transition smooth but it was tough for her being alone.
My mother had been writing letters to my dad, who she had met in the summertime in her home town in Korea through a common relative (not blood relative for my mom so don't worry there), and they were pen pals which turned into love letters (which my mom still has to this day). They married in August 1978 in Korea and then came back to Southern Indiana. My dad had just left the Korean army and apparently was an interesting character in those days (honking at cows when learning how to drive in the US is one example). My mom and dad bought a tiny house (2-3 rooms) near the town high school and lived there for about 2 years as my dad tried to be a mechanic while my mom worked in the factory.
My mom became pregnant in 1979 and everything changed for my parents. To support the family with opportunities and take advantage of free healthcare, my father decided to join the American military even though his English was not that great. My mom stayed behind in Indiana as my dad had basic training in Missouri and I was born in May of 1980. Little did I know how much we would have to move during those times with my dad in the military...(part 2 coming tomorrow)
Yang Chong-Jin was born in August 1953 in Paltan, Gyeonggido, South Korea (or that's what it says on the Korean register). She was born on a farm 2 weeks after the ceasefire for the Korean War (and 5 days after my dad in the same year). She's the 3rd of 7 children in her family. Life was hard for most Koreans during and right after the war. Her father would buy things from passersby trying to flee to the South for food. These were the only luxuries they would have. Otherwise, the family would wake up around 4 am, work on the farm, harvest rice and tend to the farm animals.
My mother went to school late in life and started school at age 7-8. Living on a poor farm, she had no money to give gifts to her teacher, could barely afford books and was made fun for being poor. She would have to walk 1.5-2 miles to the bus stop, take the bus and get off then walk 2-3 miles to school one way. This was a tough way to go but she and her siblings did this everyday. I thought she was joking until I saw where she went to school a few years ago in Korea. It's not close at all.
She worked hard, gained some skills like cutting hair, and had to take care of her younger brothers and sisters as her older sister had left to go to school out of town (where my mom's family lived was an hour away from the nearest big city - Suwon and 2-3 hours away from Seoul). She helped her mother cook and clean the house (before school too), which was one of those old houses with the sliding doors and wood floors that was heated by coal underneath the house. It wasn't the richest family but they were hard working and close to each other.
My mother left Korea at the age of 21 in 1974. Her older sister married an American serviceman in the late 1960s and settled in Southern Indiana. My aunt and uncle sponsored my mom to come over along with 2 of my other aunts later on in the 1970's. My mom wanted to live the American dream. She wanted to live a life that she had not been able to in Korea. It did not go as planned when she first came over. Her first day in America was Thanksgiving 1974 so she enjoyed a feast but she knew no English beyond "hello" and "thank you". She got her first American experiences - going to a drive-in theater (hiding under a blanket when a couple kissed...makes me laugh), eating out at a restaurant, traveling to DC and New Orleans and even having the local boys ask her out.
Because she started school so late, she was older than most of her classmates in Korea so when she came to the US, she was MUCH older than her classmates. She had to start in the 10th grade so she was pushed back from where she was in Korea. She also spoke no English so when she went to class, she had no clue what was going on. There was no ESOL back then so she had no clue what was going on. Plus she was in a town where she, my aunt, my 2 cousins and a Japanese-American family were the only non-whites in the town. This was not LA or NYC where there might have been other Koreans to help her out. My aunt/her sister was the only who could communicate with her. My two cousins who were from 5 to 9 at the time really tried to help my mom learn English and tutored her as well as nice, well-intentioned kids would. She struggled so badly at school that eventually she dropped out because she was told she was too old to graduate. She had many times where she might cry and my mother is a tough woman but not knowing what's going on with little help beyond her family was bad for her. She started working in factories around the town she was in. She worked long hours and she no longer lived with my aunt. She was supporting herself and eking out a living. My aunt's family (especially my American uncle's mom and dad - God bless Grandma Manila and Grandpa John) really tried to support my mom and make her transition smooth but it was tough for her being alone.
My mother had been writing letters to my dad, who she had met in the summertime in her home town in Korea through a common relative (not blood relative for my mom so don't worry there), and they were pen pals which turned into love letters (which my mom still has to this day). They married in August 1978 in Korea and then came back to Southern Indiana. My dad had just left the Korean army and apparently was an interesting character in those days (honking at cows when learning how to drive in the US is one example). My mom and dad bought a tiny house (2-3 rooms) near the town high school and lived there for about 2 years as my dad tried to be a mechanic while my mom worked in the factory.
My mom became pregnant in 1979 and everything changed for my parents. To support the family with opportunities and take advantage of free healthcare, my father decided to join the American military even though his English was not that great. My mom stayed behind in Indiana as my dad had basic training in Missouri and I was born in May of 1980. Little did I know how much we would have to move during those times with my dad in the military...(part 2 coming tomorrow)
(This is a picture of my mom at her baby shower late 1979/early 1980 with me right with her)
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The art of teaching
I'm going to go another route and not be so general but talk about an activity I think about all the time except in the summertime...my job.
I am a teacher. I love the interactions I have with the students - seeing them learn, hearing about their dreams, having students come back and tell about their pursuits and really trying to get them to think about their futures in general. I enjoy my extracurricular activities as an academic coach. I enjoyed (and even miss a tiny bit) coaching athletics as well. It's the getting to know your students and athletes that made the day go by so much smoother. Summer breaks don't hurt either....
The amount of work is tough though. I really struggle with how much to put into my teaching. I probably put as much work in 190 days of work as a regular worker does in a whole year. I struggle with lessons I teach - too boring one day, too much talking another, not enough assessing of a student's knowledge with the next lesson or some other issue (like the once a year Holocaust lesson that numbs and depresses me to no end). Grading work is painful and is my least favorite part of this job. I don't get it back to my students soon enough. This is my 6th year on the job and I still feel like a newbie or maybe I'm just a perfectionist (which I would never recommend as a teacher...then you would never leave for home which I did as a 1st year teacher - regular time at home was 10 pm my first year - I was a mess).
There are 19 days of school left...the light is at the end of the tunnel and it's all downhill from here.
I am a teacher. I love the interactions I have with the students - seeing them learn, hearing about their dreams, having students come back and tell about their pursuits and really trying to get them to think about their futures in general. I enjoy my extracurricular activities as an academic coach. I enjoyed (and even miss a tiny bit) coaching athletics as well. It's the getting to know your students and athletes that made the day go by so much smoother. Summer breaks don't hurt either....
The amount of work is tough though. I really struggle with how much to put into my teaching. I probably put as much work in 190 days of work as a regular worker does in a whole year. I struggle with lessons I teach - too boring one day, too much talking another, not enough assessing of a student's knowledge with the next lesson or some other issue (like the once a year Holocaust lesson that numbs and depresses me to no end). Grading work is painful and is my least favorite part of this job. I don't get it back to my students soon enough. This is my 6th year on the job and I still feel like a newbie or maybe I'm just a perfectionist (which I would never recommend as a teacher...then you would never leave for home which I did as a 1st year teacher - regular time at home was 10 pm my first year - I was a mess).
There are 19 days of school left...the light is at the end of the tunnel and it's all downhill from here.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I am a nerd and I love it.
It's taken me a while in my life to figure out that I am a nerd. I knew it in HS and in college then I tried to become "cool" but I could never pull it off. I stayed in denial about being a nerd for about 8-9 years. The last few years have changed me to understand that being a nerd is great. I have so many random facts and a great memory for such unimportant items. It makes me sad that I didn't accept this fact earlier.
Here are some reasons for why I am a nerd.
- I have the nerdiest text notifications - Bazinga!, Chewbacca's roar, a Star Wars lightsaber opening up, the Old Spice whistle, Mr. T's "I pity the fool" and Fozzie the Bear's "Waka Waka", Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompa song...okay, they are just lame and nerdy.
- I study Wikipedia like it's nobody's business. Random link after random link for the next nugget of information.
- I love history and learning new information about it - I like to know who ruled what and when and where. I like to learn the most obscure facts.
- I am developing a snort to go with my laugh...I have no clue that I had it but it's showing up.
- I love trivia and I love answering questions. It's the only thing I know I'm really really good at.
- I dress in a kinda nerdy trendy way (minus the pocket protector).
- I love sports but I like to know stats like WHIP, +/- for NBA & NHL, HBPs (for some weird reason), Net Punt Averages, MPHs for any type of racing, points scenarios for all leagues, 4-4-2, 4-3-2-1 or 4-4-1-1 formations.
- I make spreadsheets and enjoying doing that from time to time for things like my budget and test score averages at school. Then I'll make a statistical analysis....
- I like movies too but I'll look at IMDB for actors and actresses just to see who they might have acted with in the past and looking at biographies...Wikipedia works well for that too.
- I used to collect comic books. I still have a couple hundred of them. My favorite group is the Thunderbolts...not X-Men, not Avengers, not Justice League. I just like the underdog and a good story better.
- I love Transformers and G.I.Joe growing up. I collected figures and I still have quite a few Transformer figures. I still many of the characters and their background stories.
It may never get me a girlfriend, but I accept and embrace that I am a nerd. If you'd like to share any nerdy tendencies I have, please do. I won't be offended. I know who I am and I'm more than okay with it.
-CP
Here are some reasons for why I am a nerd.
- I have the nerdiest text notifications - Bazinga!, Chewbacca's roar, a Star Wars lightsaber opening up, the Old Spice whistle, Mr. T's "I pity the fool" and Fozzie the Bear's "Waka Waka", Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompa song...okay, they are just lame and nerdy.
- I study Wikipedia like it's nobody's business. Random link after random link for the next nugget of information.
- I love history and learning new information about it - I like to know who ruled what and when and where. I like to learn the most obscure facts.
- I am developing a snort to go with my laugh...I have no clue that I had it but it's showing up.
- I love trivia and I love answering questions. It's the only thing I know I'm really really good at.
- I dress in a kinda nerdy trendy way (minus the pocket protector).
- I love sports but I like to know stats like WHIP, +/- for NBA & NHL, HBPs (for some weird reason), Net Punt Averages, MPHs for any type of racing, points scenarios for all leagues, 4-4-2, 4-3-2-1 or 4-4-1-1 formations.
- I make spreadsheets and enjoying doing that from time to time for things like my budget and test score averages at school. Then I'll make a statistical analysis....
- I like movies too but I'll look at IMDB for actors and actresses just to see who they might have acted with in the past and looking at biographies...Wikipedia works well for that too.
- I used to collect comic books. I still have a couple hundred of them. My favorite group is the Thunderbolts...not X-Men, not Avengers, not Justice League. I just like the underdog and a good story better.
- I love Transformers and G.I.Joe growing up. I collected figures and I still have quite a few Transformer figures. I still many of the characters and their background stories.
It may never get me a girlfriend, but I accept and embrace that I am a nerd. If you'd like to share any nerdy tendencies I have, please do. I won't be offended. I know who I am and I'm more than okay with it.
-CP
Friday, April 20, 2012
Lessons that keep on needing to be learned
Sometimes when I come to write on this blog, I have no clue what I'm going to write specifically on or I have a clue and I go on some tangent. Other times, I feel like I have a topic on point then I have no depth. Others, I just go stream of consciousness because I have too much on mind.
Today, I have too much on my mind but I'm not sure how I want to state it or how deeply I want to state.
Sometimes, I ask myself and God many, many questions. To me, they are scary questions pertaining to my present and future life. Many times, God tells me to stop trying to do everything myself and to just follow him.
I'm such a stubborn fellow that God's explanation does not compute until I've learned a lesson. This week, I learned (yet again) that God wants us to rest and have a relaxed, friendly manner instead of being so busy or acting like we are so busy to other people like friends. Example - I'm behind on a work schedule and voila, he provides an extension when I thought there was none. He will provide and yet I can be the doubting Thomas, the Israelite in the wilderness, or Lot trying to save Sodom and Gomorrah all in one.
Giving it all up to God is what I struggle with. I want to stop struggling with self-induced stress so I need to let go and let God. I do not have control of any situation. God has full control. He's the captain and I've got to be a willing crew member of his battleship.
Jesus, take the helm of this ship. Let me be guided by you and no one else. I need not be exhausted any more because you say in Matthew 11:28-30 - “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I need you and nothing else.
Today, I have too much on my mind but I'm not sure how I want to state it or how deeply I want to state.
Sometimes, I ask myself and God many, many questions. To me, they are scary questions pertaining to my present and future life. Many times, God tells me to stop trying to do everything myself and to just follow him.
I'm such a stubborn fellow that God's explanation does not compute until I've learned a lesson. This week, I learned (yet again) that God wants us to rest and have a relaxed, friendly manner instead of being so busy or acting like we are so busy to other people like friends. Example - I'm behind on a work schedule and voila, he provides an extension when I thought there was none. He will provide and yet I can be the doubting Thomas, the Israelite in the wilderness, or Lot trying to save Sodom and Gomorrah all in one.
Giving it all up to God is what I struggle with. I want to stop struggling with self-induced stress so I need to let go and let God. I do not have control of any situation. God has full control. He's the captain and I've got to be a willing crew member of his battleship.
Jesus, take the helm of this ship. Let me be guided by you and no one else. I need not be exhausted any more because you say in Matthew 11:28-30 - “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I need you and nothing else.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
The more things change, they continue to change
The saying goes the more things change, the more they stay the same. In my life, this what I don't hope for.
I pray for change to change me for good instead of making me the same. The only thing I want to stay the same is God and that my love will continue to grow. I've learned a lot more about loving your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39 - paraphrase) as well as loving the Lord my God will all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind (Matthew 22:37 - paraphrase)...it's a theme I've heard throughout the year and has become a theme of how I am changing....
This year has been a lot of sharing of issues in my life that have been demons but not just in a way that helps me temporarily. I have been given freedom from addiction in ways that have forced me to change in a good way. I have accountability for the first time and something I've yearned for. I have older brothers who are looking out for me as I've shared my deepest, darkest and most shameful secrets and they show no judging but only encouragement in accountability. All I know is that I want this change to continue in my life. I don't want things to stay the same going forward from fasting, praying, retreats, discipline, dedication to a group of people and worship...God's just blessed my life remarkably.
An example of this blessing is that I've started a list of prayers for all my brothers and sisters at church, for work and for my family. I'm not a prayer warrior by any means but writing these "requests" down is something that keeps me dedicated to prayer because I too easily find excuses not to pray. I just look for things to pray for based on the conversations I have or just observations of people's lives. Prayers have been answered left and right so I know that something good is happening for them and it gives me more motivation to keep praying for people. I want to love my neighbor more because many times I have been a wretched neighbor who could care less about people including those nearby me...God has been thawing my heart.
I've been blessed mightily this year and have seen it blossom out into others. I pray this continues.
I pray for change to change me for good instead of making me the same. The only thing I want to stay the same is God and that my love will continue to grow. I've learned a lot more about loving your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39 - paraphrase) as well as loving the Lord my God will all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind (Matthew 22:37 - paraphrase)...it's a theme I've heard throughout the year and has become a theme of how I am changing....
This year has been a lot of sharing of issues in my life that have been demons but not just in a way that helps me temporarily. I have been given freedom from addiction in ways that have forced me to change in a good way. I have accountability for the first time and something I've yearned for. I have older brothers who are looking out for me as I've shared my deepest, darkest and most shameful secrets and they show no judging but only encouragement in accountability. All I know is that I want this change to continue in my life. I don't want things to stay the same going forward from fasting, praying, retreats, discipline, dedication to a group of people and worship...God's just blessed my life remarkably.
An example of this blessing is that I've started a list of prayers for all my brothers and sisters at church, for work and for my family. I'm not a prayer warrior by any means but writing these "requests" down is something that keeps me dedicated to prayer because I too easily find excuses not to pray. I just look for things to pray for based on the conversations I have or just observations of people's lives. Prayers have been answered left and right so I know that something good is happening for them and it gives me more motivation to keep praying for people. I want to love my neighbor more because many times I have been a wretched neighbor who could care less about people including those nearby me...God has been thawing my heart.
I've been blessed mightily this year and have seen it blossom out into others. I pray this continues.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The tongue
One of my favorite passages is from James 3. It is about taming the tongue.
1 Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.
3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. 11 Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? 12 My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.
It's so amazing how we can bless and curse with such a small part of our body. How many times do we say something that is wrong or make fun of someone and watch it change a whole conversation or mood? How often do we sit there and not say something positive to a brother or sister when all they need is a encouraging or motivating word.
I'm guilty of these charges.
I'm working on being more positive but I don't want to be fake about it. Many times I just need to be quiet because I steer myself away from what is good when I talk. This passage shows us that if all we do is talk nonsense or wrong then that's what will come out more often than not. My prayer is that I be more positive vocally to people and appreciate them more.
I implore and ask you all to think about being positive, motivating, encouraging to those who are down or with friends. Think before you joke or put people down...I do believe we are a thin skinned people but that's another blog for another time. Even still, just remember what you say can leave a lingering effect no matter what it was meant for. I challenge all 3 of my readers to set the ship right, produce fresh water, and product fruit not something that's rotten....
1 Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.
3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. 11 Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? 12 My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.
It's so amazing how we can bless and curse with such a small part of our body. How many times do we say something that is wrong or make fun of someone and watch it change a whole conversation or mood? How often do we sit there and not say something positive to a brother or sister when all they need is a encouraging or motivating word.
I'm guilty of these charges.
I'm working on being more positive but I don't want to be fake about it. Many times I just need to be quiet because I steer myself away from what is good when I talk. This passage shows us that if all we do is talk nonsense or wrong then that's what will come out more often than not. My prayer is that I be more positive vocally to people and appreciate them more.
I implore and ask you all to think about being positive, motivating, encouraging to those who are down or with friends. Think before you joke or put people down...I do believe we are a thin skinned people but that's another blog for another time. Even still, just remember what you say can leave a lingering effect no matter what it was meant for. I challenge all 3 of my readers to set the ship right, produce fresh water, and product fruit not something that's rotten....
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Beating down depression
I was a depressed soul. I have been a ball of emotions throughout my life. I spent much of my life trying to be accepted by anyone and everyone. I tried to become people or copy what I thought was right but none of it ever fit. I started feeling horrible about myself at 16. I became a pill popper off and on for almost 10 years starting at 19 to 20 years old. I've even spent time in a psychiatric clinic and it was one of the most humbling experiences in my life. I felt like I had nowhere to run or go for such a long time. There were points in my life where I contemplated suicide or just didn't care about my life. I felt like I had to run away from everything to get anywhere.
I'd love to be more specific on why I was depressed and so full of anxiety. I will say that traumatic moments never help, broken relationships hurt deeply and a lack of confidence, self-esteem & self-worth will bring you down. I had all of these effect me and they buried me more into my introverted self.
That being said, this entry is not about wallowing in self-pity and only reflecting on the past but this entry is about how I'm beating down depression. Life is not about being depressed or being negative all the time. Life is a great and awesome gift from God. Life is an opportunity to do something worthwhile and amazing. I've tried to fill my life with so many things other than Jesus. Now I'm on a detox from many of these things that have hindered me in life. I'm trying to continue to find joy in little parts in my life. I'm trying to treasure more and more I see and experience. I have a job where I see hope of bright futures all the time and I'm seeing effects that I never would have ever thought I would have contributed to. God's grace has been everywhere and it's like I needed to get out from under the umbrella to feel the downpour. Better late than never...and I'm not guessing I just know because I'm jumping up and down like I lived in a desert for 30 years.
Externally, I don't show much emotion but internally, I'm bursting with happiness and joy for others or sadness for those in need (my kids think I am a robot in school but I'm enjoying their conversations too). Trust me, I'll smile for you so just prod me to show more emotion because it's been a learning process. If I scare you because I share too much, that's fine because I love you as my brother and sister in Christ. I'm done judging and I'm done trying to fit in because I've found where I need to be...not at a group outing, not on pictures on Facebook or reading about life in 140 words or less on Twitter but with God - my rock and foundation. It's been easier to beat down depression with God on my side.
This is not a look at me moment but this is about sharing and caring. I pray that when you get into a time when you are hurting that you turn to God with purpose of healing instead leaving your issues inside where Satan can fester and grow. God's love conquers all.
As always, thanks for reading.
-CP
Sunday, March 4, 2012
More random thoughts for March
- Hot yoga is tiring at first but gave me tons of energy later that night and the next morning (I actually woke up at 3:45 went back to sleep and still felt good at 5:15 when I finally woke up). I feel revived but sore in my hamstrings. I now know what a yoga block is used for and how inflexible I am. I know to eat something before 90 minutes of hot yoga and to drink a ton of water before going into a 107 degree room for that long. I will do this again next weekend because I am probably a little crazy.
- I hate grading essays. They are the bane of my existence. The kids hate writing them and I hate grading them. If you're asking, I have no choice but to grade them and that is all.
- One more resolution update, I am down 5-6 lbs from the beginning of the year. My goal is about 18 lbs by this December and to keep it off (less eating out, more exercise, smaller portions, divvying out food throughout the day but not really watching what I eat except for fast food excluding Chick-fil-a...horrible grammar, I know already). I though I plateaued 2 weeks ago but fasting helped a lot and went down even more but man, fasting is hard. I suck at not trying to think about eating.
- I use an electronic toothbrush (Oral-B Triumph). I cannot brush with a regular toothbrush anymore. My teeth are not as clean with the non-electric toothbrush. It sucks compared to an electronic toothbrush. I get a regular toothbrush every time I go to the dentist and now I have a stack of them. Anybody want a free toothbrush?
- I wore my retainer for about 10 years. It broke on me when I was 25. My teeth shifted a tiny bit but are relatively straight. Many of my friends stopped wearing them after one year. They've got jacked-up teeth again.
- I love sleep. I've been falling asleep within five minutes of putting my head on the pillow every night for a while. It's just hard to get up many times when the alarm hits 5 AM (except last night but that's the first point today)....
- How I am feeling these days - great. 5-6 years ago - not so great and pretty much depressed. I'll touch on this topic next weekend because I'm leaving you hanging to come back and read...well, that is, if you read anything that's posted here.
If this was tl;dr, that's fine. Until then have a great week,
-CP
- I hate grading essays. They are the bane of my existence. The kids hate writing them and I hate grading them. If you're asking, I have no choice but to grade them and that is all.
- One more resolution update, I am down 5-6 lbs from the beginning of the year. My goal is about 18 lbs by this December and to keep it off (less eating out, more exercise, smaller portions, divvying out food throughout the day but not really watching what I eat except for fast food excluding Chick-fil-a...horrible grammar, I know already). I though I plateaued 2 weeks ago but fasting helped a lot and went down even more but man, fasting is hard. I suck at not trying to think about eating.
- I use an electronic toothbrush (Oral-B Triumph). I cannot brush with a regular toothbrush anymore. My teeth are not as clean with the non-electric toothbrush. It sucks compared to an electronic toothbrush. I get a regular toothbrush every time I go to the dentist and now I have a stack of them. Anybody want a free toothbrush?
- I wore my retainer for about 10 years. It broke on me when I was 25. My teeth shifted a tiny bit but are relatively straight. Many of my friends stopped wearing them after one year. They've got jacked-up teeth again.
- I love sleep. I've been falling asleep within five minutes of putting my head on the pillow every night for a while. It's just hard to get up many times when the alarm hits 5 AM (except last night but that's the first point today)....
- How I am feeling these days - great. 5-6 years ago - not so great and pretty much depressed. I'll touch on this topic next weekend because I'm leaving you hanging to come back and read...well, that is, if you read anything that's posted here.
If this was tl;dr, that's fine. Until then have a great week,
-CP
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Reviewing a few resolutions
I'm going to start by saying God is good. I've been blessed this year in a different way. Not something that I can see so easily but it's just been all over. It's been amazing. I don't know if it has to do with age/maturity or acceptance of the way life is but I'm grateful for so much.
My SG is awesome. God keeps tweaking me when I study and read his word in prep for SG. The book of James is speaking to me. I do not feel overburdened being a SG leader because I thought I would but then he gives me peace as I prepare and go into SG. I just hope I'm not boring to the guys.
I asked God for the strength and will to fast more this year. He's given me plenty of reason to do so and it's hard. My year long fast is going well and that ends in July but I did my first food fast yesterday and I felt like I could've done better in spending time with him. I'm going to do this again in 2 weeks with some written goals on what to pray about and study the night before. I want to add things like TV and the internet for that day too. His strength, not mine....
My job is tiring but that's been another blessing. I've been getting rocked with work but it's not like I'm suffering like I did my first few years. I will say that having a community of friends of church helps relieve a lot of stress or whatever I have on the weekends. Compassion to my students has been tougher but I did have a student who just lost his father to a heart attack and that hurts a lot because the student is such a nice kid. I cannot imagine losing my dad at 16, 17 or 18 years old. Please pray for him.
Devotionals have not stayed in the morning but they are happening consistently. Many older brothers are keeping me accountable and grateful for what I have. I'm in a group with guys I really respect. The next step is to improve the prayer life. Sometimes, I can't pray for a long time and I'll just listen in on other prayers out loud to follow them.
I will not say this year is flying by per se but I will that it's been amazing. Anytime I've asked God this year, he's provided and even if I think it's a simple request, he's still taken care of it (roommate, finances, 2nd job, help at work, rest, family, etc.). I do not know what the future holds for the summertime and beyond this year but I'm looking forward to whatever God has in front of my life....
-CP
My SG is awesome. God keeps tweaking me when I study and read his word in prep for SG. The book of James is speaking to me. I do not feel overburdened being a SG leader because I thought I would but then he gives me peace as I prepare and go into SG. I just hope I'm not boring to the guys.
I asked God for the strength and will to fast more this year. He's given me plenty of reason to do so and it's hard. My year long fast is going well and that ends in July but I did my first food fast yesterday and I felt like I could've done better in spending time with him. I'm going to do this again in 2 weeks with some written goals on what to pray about and study the night before. I want to add things like TV and the internet for that day too. His strength, not mine....
My job is tiring but that's been another blessing. I've been getting rocked with work but it's not like I'm suffering like I did my first few years. I will say that having a community of friends of church helps relieve a lot of stress or whatever I have on the weekends. Compassion to my students has been tougher but I did have a student who just lost his father to a heart attack and that hurts a lot because the student is such a nice kid. I cannot imagine losing my dad at 16, 17 or 18 years old. Please pray for him.
Devotionals have not stayed in the morning but they are happening consistently. Many older brothers are keeping me accountable and grateful for what I have. I'm in a group with guys I really respect. The next step is to improve the prayer life. Sometimes, I can't pray for a long time and I'll just listen in on other prayers out loud to follow them.
I will not say this year is flying by per se but I will that it's been amazing. Anytime I've asked God this year, he's provided and even if I think it's a simple request, he's still taken care of it (roommate, finances, 2nd job, help at work, rest, family, etc.). I do not know what the future holds for the summertime and beyond this year but I'm looking forward to whatever God has in front of my life....
-CP
Saturday, February 18, 2012
4 day weekends - more time to reflect and be random
I continue to learn and appreciate my life more and more. I'm try to go one step at a time - right foot then left foot. Trying to multitask drives me nuts...I become the guy who trips on the dance floor because his feet get tangled up.
If I really don't want to do something, I will put it off as long as possible (i.e. grading essays). I'll even do dishes and laundry over whatever it is. That's unacceptable.
The weather has been amazing. I dislike the winter so it's been extremely mild and I like it that way.
I really need to stop Facebook and Twitter for a while. It's not an effective usage of my time. Going to force myself to stop very soon.
I really enjoy my small group. Chances to be vulnerable and grow in Christ...what I continually yearn. I'm also in a men's devotional group and I'm learning from wiser, more mature men. Blessings abound.
I like mellow music more than I thought. I still like singers who can bring it (old school Whitney Houston, MJ, Mac Powell from Third Day, Celine Dion...yes, one doesn't quite fit but they all can bring it). Singing out loud and just letting go to God is what I love to do at church. It's just me and Him for worship on Sundays.
Today is day 205 of 366...shouldn't be keeping up this way but quotes and Bible verses keep coming into this direction.
God's grace is absolutely amazing...one day I'll go back to coherent thought processes for a fuller entry but until then stream of consciousness it is.
Peace out and God bless.
If I really don't want to do something, I will put it off as long as possible (i.e. grading essays). I'll even do dishes and laundry over whatever it is. That's unacceptable.
The weather has been amazing. I dislike the winter so it's been extremely mild and I like it that way.
I really need to stop Facebook and Twitter for a while. It's not an effective usage of my time. Going to force myself to stop very soon.
I really enjoy my small group. Chances to be vulnerable and grow in Christ...what I continually yearn. I'm also in a men's devotional group and I'm learning from wiser, more mature men. Blessings abound.
Today is day 205 of 366...shouldn't be keeping up this way but quotes and Bible verses keep coming into this direction.
God's grace is absolutely amazing...one day I'll go back to coherent thought processes for a fuller entry but until then stream of consciousness it is.
Peace out and God bless.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
More random thoughts - February
I really need to post more.
- I'm really really busy but yet I am the worst procrastinator. It's like I do this on purpose to torture myself.
- I hate grading essays (290 to grade in one week - 105 done)...I'm going to grading a ton more over the next 8 weeks. I hate essays.
- I got some great news a few days ago and hopefully it'll become amazing news in April. I'll wait to keep you posted if it becomes amazing so for now, you'll have to wait unless you talk to me personally. I just don't want to jinx myself...it's one of those accomplishments that goes to near the top of my bucket list if I can accomplish it. I will share with everyone if it happens.
- I am on day 199 of 366 for one of my vows. One of the toughest times I've had to go through but God's kept me going strong. I probably should stop keeping track of the days and let it go to God though.
- Lent is coming up. I know what I'm going to give up. What will you give to God and "sacrifice"?
- Four day weekend is coming up. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that time...oh yeah, sleep.
On that note, stay strong and until next time, God bless.
-CP
- I'm really really busy but yet I am the worst procrastinator. It's like I do this on purpose to torture myself.
- I hate grading essays (290 to grade in one week - 105 done)...I'm going to grading a ton more over the next 8 weeks. I hate essays.
- I got some great news a few days ago and hopefully it'll become amazing news in April. I'll wait to keep you posted if it becomes amazing so for now, you'll have to wait unless you talk to me personally. I just don't want to jinx myself...it's one of those accomplishments that goes to near the top of my bucket list if I can accomplish it. I will share with everyone if it happens.
- I am on day 199 of 366 for one of my vows. One of the toughest times I've had to go through but God's kept me going strong. I probably should stop keeping track of the days and let it go to God though.
- Lent is coming up. I know what I'm going to give up. What will you give to God and "sacrifice"?
- Four day weekend is coming up. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that time...oh yeah, sleep.
On that note, stay strong and until next time, God bless.
-CP
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Random thoughts & New Year's Resolutions
I'll start with the random thoughts about things I love and get serious towards the end.
- I love pepper.
- Got a new electronic scale and I think I'm getting a little obsessive over weighing myself....
- I love water.
- I love Chicago and the food there (pizza, hot dogs, pizza, popcorn, pizza)
- I love sweets but am cutting a lot of it out because one of my New Year's resolutions is to eat healthier and get more fit again. I let myself go a bit towards the last quarter of the year.
- I made a bunch of New Year's resolutions and I almost never make any. I wrote them down. I'll share them with you. The theme for most of them is God and how to live more for Him so here goes.
- To be a better and more compassionate teacher & person
- To be a dependable SG leader
- To have a better prayer life
- Continue giving a quote every morning that can inspire me
- Continue devotionals and reflecting in the morning when I get up
- Continue a vow I made to God for 1 year last July and to finish it strong
- To do the 1 year devotional with the guys at church and not to miss a day.
- To continue to give and tithe faithfully
- To fast more this year and what I learned during those fasts
- To live a life more dedicated to God.
I feel like this is a lot but doable. Keep me accountable folks. Pray for me and I'll pray for you. I've even found a nice little prayer spot away from home that you'd never guess so anyways, my last love is this...
...I love Jesus.
- I love pepper.
- Got a new electronic scale and I think I'm getting a little obsessive over weighing myself....
- I love water.
- I love Chicago and the food there (pizza, hot dogs, pizza, popcorn, pizza)
- I love sweets but am cutting a lot of it out because one of my New Year's resolutions is to eat healthier and get more fit again. I let myself go a bit towards the last quarter of the year.
- I made a bunch of New Year's resolutions and I almost never make any. I wrote them down. I'll share them with you. The theme for most of them is God and how to live more for Him so here goes.
- To be a better and more compassionate teacher & person
- To be a dependable SG leader
- To have a better prayer life
- Continue giving a quote every morning that can inspire me
- Continue devotionals and reflecting in the morning when I get up
- Continue a vow I made to God for 1 year last July and to finish it strong
- To do the 1 year devotional with the guys at church and not to miss a day.
- To continue to give and tithe faithfully
- To fast more this year and what I learned during those fasts
- To live a life more dedicated to God.
I feel like this is a lot but doable. Keep me accountable folks. Pray for me and I'll pray for you. I've even found a nice little prayer spot away from home that you'd never guess so anyways, my last love is this...
...I love Jesus.
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