Beating down depression

I was a depressed soul.  I have been a ball of emotions throughout my life.  I spent much of my life trying to be accepted by anyone and everyone.  I tried to become people or copy what I thought was right but none of it ever fit.  I started feeling horrible about myself at 16.  I became a pill popper off and on for almost 10 years starting at 19 to 20 years old.  I've even spent time in a psychiatric clinic and it was one of the most humbling experiences in my life.  I felt like I had nowhere to run or go for such a long time.  There were points in my life where I contemplated suicide or just didn't care about my life.  I felt like I had to run away from everything to get anywhere.

I'd love to be more specific on why I was depressed and so full of anxiety.  I will say that traumatic moments never help, broken relationships hurt deeply and a lack of confidence, self-esteem & self-worth will bring you down. I had all of these effect me and they buried me more into my introverted self.

That being said, this entry is not about wallowing in self-pity and only reflecting on the past but this entry is about how I'm beating down depression.  Life is not about being depressed or being negative all the time.  Life is a great and awesome gift from God.  Life is an opportunity to do something worthwhile and amazing.  I've tried to fill my life with so many things other than Jesus.  Now I'm on a detox from many of these things that have hindered me in life.  I'm trying to continue to find joy in little parts in my life.  I'm trying to treasure more and more I see and experience.  I have a job where I see hope of bright futures all the time and I'm seeing effects that I never would have ever thought I would have contributed to.  God's grace has been everywhere and it's like I needed to get out from under the umbrella to feel the downpour.  Better late than never...and I'm not guessing I just know because I'm jumping up and down like I lived in a desert for 30 years.

Externally, I don't show much emotion but internally, I'm bursting with happiness and joy for others or sadness for those in need (my kids think I am a robot in school but I'm enjoying their conversations too).  Trust me, I'll smile for you so just prod me to show more emotion because it's been a learning process.  If I scare you because I share too much, that's fine because I love you as my brother and sister in Christ.  I'm done judging and I'm done trying to fit in because I've found where I need to be...not at a group outing, not on pictures on Facebook or reading about life in 140 words or less on Twitter but with God - my rock and foundation.  It's been easier to beat down depression with God on my side. 

This is not a look at me moment but this is about sharing and caring.  I pray that when you get into a time when you are hurting that you turn to God with purpose of healing instead leaving your issues inside where Satan can fester and grow.  God's love conquers all.

As always, thanks for reading.
-CP