I am my own worst critic

(edit: it's on the longish side)

Look at the basketball court, the football field, the classroom or any place where you have to perform and look at the person who is trying their best but their best is not good enough. Look at the individual as he begins shouting insults and cursing....

That person is me but I'm not shouting or cursing at any other person. I am doing this to myself. I am my own worst critic. I beat myself up internally with negative words, thoughts and feelings. I have taken criticism so badly throughout my life. I have never liked rejection or not being included in a group and I have let it crush me like a boulder. I have been so hard on myself. Even writing this now, I am filled with emotions so strong and heavy because it has been far from fun experiencing this in my life.

Growing up, I expected to do my very best in everything I did. I worked hard on schoolwork, sports, video games or whatever my friends did. My parents expected the best out of me and I did not want to disappoint them or myself. I thought I was a good person who just had good things happen to me because I was a goody two shoes growing up not doing the wrong things and being involved with church or some organizations. I was extremely judgmental of others if they did not hold up to my standards, and I prided in myself to do well in all aspects of life but as everyone knows, you will fail in something at some point of your life.

I have many examples of how I dealt with these "disappointments." If I failed a test I studied for, then I would go into the bedroom and fall into a funk then hang my head with tears dripping on the test. If I couldn't make a shot on the basketball court, I would yell and berate myself then cry some more. If I got yelled at for doing something wrong, I'd run into the restroom and weep uncontrollably thinking about how I was not good enough. On top of all this, if my dad saw me cry, he'd tell me that I wasn't a man and yell at me to get it all together. All these emotions would flow so naturally and I could become so closed off to the world. The saddest part wasn't my feelings or that my dad was like the way he was but that I would not let God's love come into my life or if I did, it was only for a short time and at my lowest points of life.

In spite of my shortcomings, God's love has been the key to all this. I've learned that he provides for us all regardless. I've realized that he's helped me so much in the past 10 years. I love the verse from Matthew 11:30 - For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. I've also learned people are not perfect and that only perfect one is God and Jesus Christ. He's the only one that can redeem me from all my shortcomings and perceived failings. He's always picked me up when I've fallen flat on my face during those times of trouble. I have been blessed but it's taken me a while to pick up from my pity parties and see him even though he's been right there this whole time.

Even with all this, I still am so hard on myself and to be honest, I have not looked to God as much I should. As a teacher, I care for my kids so much that I act like this perfectionist so I struggle to come up with lesson plans and I worry so much that I tense up during the school year. I am still not the greatest son to my parents because of my past. I don't play sports with much frequency because I am too competitive for my own good, and I know I will go back to my old ways at a moment's notice. I am even still shy and I still hate rejection so you can guess how open I am with my affections even if I truly have any towards a person (and I have...). One incident in my life still has haunted me for a long time but less so than when it happened. I have a great memory for events and times I want to forget so I have emotional and mental scars that run so deep.

So, I blog all these issues because the writing is very therapeutic and lets everything out for me instead of bottled up like a shaken soda can waiting to explode. More than anything I hope that you all can accept who you are and know that God's got you wherever you go. I have much work to do, but I know that as long as I seek Jesus Christ and know him for who he is then I will be fine. I just have to continue to be his servant and student because when I follow him faithfully, I am in my best places in all aspects of my life. God bless.